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Indak ng Puso

Gagalaw.

Sa pagtunog ng speakers, lahat ay gagalaw. Para bang muling bumangon sa hukay ang aming natutulog na diwa. Ang isang mananayaw ay parang isang puppet na kinokontrol ng speakers, kusang gumagalaw ang aming katawan kapag narinig na namin ang kanta. Ang pag-ibig ay parang pag-sasayaw, sa pagtatagpo ng dalawang magkaibang mundo, may parang apoy na biglang sumiklab na magdudulot ng isang nag-aalab na damdamin, na sa kalaunan, ay kokontrol na sa atin.

Magkaiba ang mundo namin ni Pao, bagamat kami ay pinagbubuklod ng pag-sasayaw, hindi kami pareho ng mga pananaw sa buhay. Naniniwala ako na minsan lang dumating ang tunay na pag-ibig, para sakanya naman, lahat ng kaniyang inibig ay minsang naging kaniyang tunay na pag-ibig, ngunit kinuha ng tadhana. Sumusunod ako sa mga alituntunin, sinusuway naman niya ang mga ito. Gusto ko maglakad, gusto niya tumakbo. Gusto niya libutin ang buong mundo, gusto ko manatili sa aking kinatatayuan. Malakas ang loob niya, ako naman ay duwag. Marami kaming hindi napagkakasunduan, ngunit kapag tumunog na ang speakers at marinig na namin ang isang kanta, biglang nagsasabay ang indak ng aming puso.

Nagkakilala kami sa isang dance workshop noong 2010. Akala ko isang ordinaryong summer break lamang iyon, hindi ko alam na makikilala na pala ng aking puso ang matagal na niyang inaantay. Madalas ako mainis sakanya dahil lagi na lang niya ako ginugulo sa facebook, sa text at maski habang ako’y sumasayaw. Nagulat na lang ako na isang araw, noong tumugtog ang aming speakers, bigla din tumibok ang aking puso. Siya na lagi ang hinahanap ng aking mga mata at nilalapitan ng aking mga paa. Kapag andiyan siya, para akong kinokontrol ng speakers na sumayaw palapit sakanya.

Hihinto.

​Kahit huminto na ang speakers at nagpapahinga na kami, hindi pa din mawala ang pagod na aking nararamdaman. Hindi biro ang pagsayaw, kailangan mo ibigay ang buong puso mo at iparamdam sa mga nanonood na madali lang ang iyong ginagawa kahit sugatan ka na.

​Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa isang iglap, bigla na lang din huminto ang pagtibok ng puso niya para sa akin. Sa loob ng isang taon at tatlong buwan ng aming pagsasama, akala ko siya na ang una at huling lalaki na makakasama ko sa aking buhay. Ang pagsasayaw ang dahilan ng paggalaw ng aming puso patungo sa isa’t-isa, at ito rin ang naging dahilan ng paghinto nito. Parang kailan lang ay naglalakad pa kami at pinapanood ang mga bitwin sa langit, sabay pa kami nangangarap, umiiyak, tumatawa at matindi pa ang pagmamahalan namin para sa isa’t isa. Sabay kaming umiindak, pero ngayon, ako na lang mag-isa ang sumasayaw. Wala na ang dating karamay ko sa hirap at ginhawa na dulot ng pagsasayaw.

​Huminto na ang kanta, ngunit ang pag-ibig ko para sakanya ay patuloy pa din ang pagindak. Kadalasan kapag humihinto na ang speakers, lahat ay magpapahinga at aantayin itong tumugtog ulit, pero hindi ako huminto. Naniniwala ako na ang isang mananayaw ay patuloy ang pag-sayaw kahit gaano na kapagod, dahil alam namin na masasanay kami mapagod at titibay ang aming stamina kapag nagpatuloy kami. Ganoon din ang pag-ibig, kahit masakit na at nararamdaman natin ang pagdurog ng ating puso, patuloy pa din tayong nagmamahal dahil sa kalaunan, masasanay na tayo sa sakit na dulot nito. Lalakas tayo, titibay, at matututong umindak ulit.

Gagalaw, hihinto.

​Ang pagsasayaw ay may sinusunod na bilang. Mabilis ang indak, biglang babagal. Minsan ay bigla na lang din ito hihinto. Nakakalito na minsan dahil paiba-iba ang galaw at pilit itong isinasabay sa kanta kahit parang hindi na naaayon.

​Minsan mahal ko siya, minsan hindi. Kapag nakikita ko siya dumaan sa harap ko na para bang isa lamang akong estranghero, naiinis ako. Alam ko na hindi ko na siya pwedeng mahawakan o makausap, ngunit minsan ay pinipilit ko dahil umaasa ako na baka sakaling may maganda itong maidulot. Paiba-iba ang aking nararamdaman, hindi ko alam kung sadyang magulo ang aking isip o baka pinipilit ko na lamang ang aking sarili na mahalin siya at buhayin ang kaniyang ala-ala para sumaya ako muli.

​Ang isang mananayaw, hindi sumusuko hangga’t hindi nakukuha ang tamang galaw. Minsan nga ay hindi ako makatulog kapag alam ko sa aking sarili na hindi ko pa naisasapuso ang sayaw. Pero matapos ang isang matinding ensayo, para akong nanalo sa lotto. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang saya na nadudulot sakin ng aking pag-sayaw, sadyang may mga bagay talaga sa mundo na hindi naipapaliwanag. Ngunit sa pag-ibig, minsan kailangan na sumuko dahil mayroon ding mga bagay na hindi talaga magtutugma kahit ipilit pa natin ito.

Hihinto, gagalaw.

​Hihinto ako kapag hindi ko na kaya, pero gagalaw ulit at pipilitin kayanin. Buhay ko na ang pagsasayaw, kahit huminto na ang speakers, hindi ibig sabihin ay hihinto na din ako. Nasa puso at isip ko na ang kanta, hindi ko ito maalis kaya’t sinasabayan ko ito ng pagindak. Ang speakers ay isa lamang instrumento na pinanggagalingan ng kanta, pero ang isang tunay na mananayaw ay marunong magsapuso ng kanta at ng galaw.

​Lahat tayo ay umaabot sa punto na susukuan na ang pag-ibig at matatakot nang magmahal ulit. Lahat tayo ay nasasaktan at nasusugatan pero habang tumatagal, unti-unting naghihilom ang mga sugat na naiwan sa ating puso. Tayo ay muling babangon, gagalaw, iindak muli at magmamahal. Ang bawat sakit na ating naramdaman, ay may katumbas na panibagong kaligayahan na parating. Bagamat hindi kami ni Pao ang magkasamang sumayaw hanggang sa aming huling hantungan, alam ko sa aking sarili na sa paglipat ng panibagong kanta sa aming speakers, ay mayroon ding darating na bago na sasayaw kasama ko. At sa kaniyang pagdating, isang puso na namatay at muling nabuhay para magmahal muli ang kaniyang makakasama sa pagindak patungo sa isang masaya at panghabambuhay na pagmamahalan. ​ ​

"For Keeps"

HOPELESS ROMANTIC, INDEED.

Love occurs when the collision of two worlds create a strong bond that can only be broken by death. But apparently, love is seen as something you get instantly nowadays. It is no longer the result of two reactive chemicals that mix perfectly. Over the years, hollywood had been selling an enhanced version of true love to us. They make it seem like it is so easy to walk in a park, bump into a cute guy, talk for hours as you stroll around and observe nature, then fall in love after a week or so. People then think that love is easy to find when in reality, it hell isn't. A lot of people are in search for their "one true love" that fairytales claim to be "just around the corner" singing at the top of their lungs just to express the "undying" love they have for you even if you haven't met. People are too idealistic nowadays because of the influence of romantic comedies and the classic fairytales. You don't need someone who will fill your room with rose petals nor ride a horse and save you from the top of a mountain, all you need is someone who will stay through your ups and downs and always see the beauty in you. He doesn't have to buy you all the stuff you want, he just needs to give you the only thing nobody can take: his time. If you find or have someone who encompasses all of these, then you can finally say that he is "for keeps."

Clueless.

I am not the best writer, dancer, leader, daughter, sister and student in town, nor the best in anything. I'm just this simple college junior who is undecided on what career path she wants to take and doesn't even know what to do about it. Everyday I face different problems that I create. It's weird, but I guess my day isn't complete if I don't induce a dose of dilemma. For some reason, I've always hated the idea of not having anything to worry about because I won't have something interesting to do or work for.

What is the best thing to do when you are clueless about what you want?

I want to write that's for sure, but I don't know who I want to write for. As a kid, I've dreamed of becoming a Candy Magazine writer. I have this stash of candy mags that can't even fit in my cabinet anymore. My heart broke when I found out that they don't accept Communication Arts students as an intern, so I pursued my internship in ABS-CBN. I want to be a broadcaster too, because I grew up seeing my mom do newscasts and I basically lived in ABS-CBN's news room as well. But because of the various works I do in class, I got confused. I've tried scriptwriting, and I think I did a good job in writing X's second episode. (If a member of BENT productions' is reading this, or at least someone who has seen the show, I'd be glad to know if my statement is true hehehe) I currently am writing our thesis which I honestly hate doing, I'm not the type of student who loves going to libraries or other "educational" places just to do some research. I like opening my mind and making her wander, then write about what she saw or felt. Yes, I am referring to my brain as a human being (I can get really weird sometimes) and recently I was tasked to write our advertising copy for Teva and also our tagline for our agency. I'm not sure if I did a good job, but I had fun thinking of the perfect words to suit the product and our agency. It's hard to choose if there are various options. Our preferences change over time and sometimes we end up regretting that we didn't go for the other.

One thing's for sure though..

I may be confused right now, but I want to write something that will inspire people and make them see the real world. Sometimes we get stuck in a fictional dimension that we tend to abandon reality. It will be a tough choice, probably one of the hardest decisions I have to make, but someday I'll know why God took me to that path. We walk or drive through a road we think is right, but once it ends up being the wrong way, we'll realize that sometimes, we all need a wrong turn before reaching where we are bound to be.

Yellow Light.

Green. Red. Yellow.

Sometimes I just don't know when to go or stop. Sometimes I want to run. Run as fast as I could and never look back. But sometimes, I want to stop. I want to sit for a while and do nothing, think about nothing, and feel nothing. Sometimes I want to run while the red light is on, but most of the time, I want to stop during the green light. Why is it that everything seems to move so fast while you're standing there, not knowing what to do? And why is that when you are ready to run and let go, everything stops moving? Life, they say, is a matter of choices. It's either you go for it, or you don't. Maybe the reason why they invented the yellow light that people hate the most is because people should be reminded that sometimes, you just have to pause while moving fast, and get ready to run as you stand still.

Green.

I've ben moving too fast lately. I wanted to get things done in an instant that I failed to realize that what I have is not what I entirely want. At first I was so sure that I wanted to enter news and current affairs. I fixed my internship early, got accepted and now I'm just waiting for it to start. I didn't want to be late. I never liked the idea of being the last one to get things done, but the thing about moving too fast is that you don't get to see the small details that make up who you really want to be. Today I saw the yellow light. As I was running triple time, the yellow light suddenly lights up and tells me to pause for a while, think of what I really want to do in life then stop, before I go for it.

Red.

As of the moment, everything is still. The good thing about the red light is that it gives you time to think of where you want to go because sometimes, you're too caught up by the things around you that you forget to think. It's better to move slowly, but surely. Everything changes in just a snap of a finger. What you want now will change after a few minutes and the love you have for someone will suddenly fade and because of the drastic changes happening around, you'll get torn between coping up with the changes or staying the way you are. All of a sudden, after choosing what you want to do, the yellow light appears, signals you to get ready to go for it.

Green. Yellow. Red.

You just have to go for what you want, pause for a while then stop. Stop and stay where you are. Live the life given to you and make the most out of it.

Red. Yellow. Green.

After achieving what you want and living the life you have wanted, you have to stop. Stop and think if it was all worth it. When the light turns yellow, get ready, and go to the next chapter of your life.

Yellow.

Just pause for a while, then go for it. As the old saying goes, "the best things are worth waiting for."

What to do?

Today is the 17th day of 2014 and I still have no idea if my Project Happiness is on its way. For the past weeks, I've been holding on to the miniscule hope I have that genuine happiness will find me, but I'm guessing it's not today. Every girl would love to wake up to a "good morning, beautiful :*" message from their crush, but what I got was a morning sermon from coach and a truck load of academic shit. I was too focused on training these past days that I've neglected my school works and YOLO-ed almost all my exams. Tell me, what will a deranged, CA junior do in times like this? I'm guessing she'll wear her ABDS hoodie paired with her AB skirt and training clothes underneath, go out, shot gun her Art App exam then train afterwards.

Bakit Hindi Ka Crush Ng Crush Mo

I was really really bored last Thursday night so I decided to watch a kilig-inducing film before I hit the sack. I've been hearing remarkable comments about Xian Lim and Kim Chiu's movie "Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo" so I had to judge it myself. I had high expectations cause the film had to give justice to Ramon Bautista's book that was a certified hit.

I must say that the film exceeded my standards. The overall aesthetics was well-crafted and the actors were believable. Kim Chiu was very hilarious as Sandy, a bad-looking girl who was left by her boyfriend. Xian Lim was sizzling hot plus his guitar solos swept me off my feet. No girl could resist such exemplifying charm that Xian has. :">

Hence, the story was nice. Ramon came out at unexpected times and gave his words of wisdom which got stuck in my head.

"Dalawa lang yan, gusto ka niya or hindi ka niya gusto. Walang overlap."

- This actually makes sense. We always assume things and give meaning to everything our "crush" does for us and every time he does otherwise, we think of something that will raise our hopes up. Kaya may mga "hopia" when it clearly is only a struggle between "yes, I like you too" and "sorry, but I don't." The "or" in between "yes" and "no" is what we call in Filipino, "pampalubag loob" to avoid hurting people. Sometimes we hear the words "I might like you if.." which clearly is a "paasa" statement. When someone likes you, trust me, it will be crystal clear.

"Kung hindi mutual ang feelings niyo, pwes gawin mong mutual"

- I love this quote! It could be both positive and negative but it is a sure way to happiness. If you want to have mutual adoration, you must flirt. Ramon said earlier in the film "daig ng malandi ang maganda" cause admit it, guys get attracted to a girl who knows how to work her way into his heart. In our generation, 'di na uso ang dalagang Pilipina. Girls make the first move, but I personally am not one of them. I'm kinda old school when it comes to this matter, pretty much like Sandy. I still believe in true love like those from the city of Baso-Baso, but anyway, if he doesn't like you, then make it mutual too. Show him you're not interested cause some guys like "the chase" but if it clearly is a flat out "I don't like you" feeling, then do yourself a favor and just walk away.

"Dapat hindi na ikaw ang iiyak, ikaw na ang magpapaiyak"

" - This came from Alex(Xian Lim). He told Sandy that the next time she meets a guy, it would be her turn to smile and walk away. I like the logic of this quote. It serves as a silver lining to everyone who had their heart broken and was left sobbing. We all deserve another shot in happiness, but if it doesn't end well, it would be nice to be the one someone's crying over, not the other way around again. This quote also implies that one could get stronger after being at their lowest point cause you can never enjoy the gold if you didn't work for it. The next time you achieve the best possible love there is, you'd know that all the cliche hugot, sleepless nights and hopelessness would be worth it.

To sum this up, I recommend this movie to everyone who lost hope after a painful break-up. Though this maxim is overused, there really is someone better out there, you just have to wait for the perfect timing. :)